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Tuesday, 03 November 2009

i tried to..

i have informed some of you before but that again even i myself refused to believe it.. but i'm to face it now..

i am suffering from some heart problems, to which was suffered by my seniors in-charge..

heart-attack/cardiac arrest..

i have called and text some of u in hoping to inform of the pain but i guess it didn't work.. others didn't reply or get back to me..

i understand, it's ok.. i'm not angry or sad..

i have yet to see the heart specialist as i fear for the results.. i have been suffering this pain for the past 6 to 7 years.. i have told some about it way earlier but i refused to acknowledge it..

the symptoms as to what i faced were exactly to what it is of a stroke and patientts with heart-attack.. and believe it or not, i have been suffering those moments of pain for the past years..

will i be of any different if i know the results??
how will i face life then??

i don't know but i'll try be happy as long as i can.. maybe these are the reason behind my drastic weight loss again.. ish, i do not wanna bet on it..

Saturday, 24 October 2009

i hate this..

this will keep me awake and feel uneasy..

i know i'm not supposed to think of this but i can't help it..

NO. i have to try.. not to think abt it..

maybe i should talk abt it..

i'll end up being called paranoid, obsessive and possessive.. we're just friends.. but ppl sees us as brothers, always close and taking care of each other.. i know that he's in peer-pressure state.. others wants him to do something against his will.. and he is showing me signs of succumbing to them.. what must i do??

i was advised to keep him on the look-out but i do not want him to see me as someone who controls him..

i need to talk to him.. but will he listens??

i need to try.. but he'll avoid and end up arguing over something minor..

i hate this.. now that i'm having turmoil in me.. i need to settle this problem..

wait i shall not intervene.. it's his life.. i'm not living his life nor is he living my life.. but i can't afford to just sit back and do nothing when i know i can..

i will try.. darn it..

Thursday, 08 October 2009

truth..

I feel sick today..

maybe i was tired..
maybe i over exhausted myself..

but could it be that i realised a truth behind my presence??

i should stop this thinking to keep the friendship alive.. i can't afford to have doubts about almost everything..

maybe i was at fault..
maybe it was carelessness..

i don't know.. but i think i should rest my over-worked body now..

I FEEL SAD.. DARN IT..

Friday, 11 September 2009

Annoyance..

to another.. who's to blame??

someone canceled a plan / an outing, which was organized 2 to 3 weeks back. The day came, that person totally forgot about the whole plan and blames me for putting words in their mouths..

i only realized that the plan, which was brought up by that person, falls on Friday and that Friday is a no-no for that person..

so is it mine to blame that i told that person off that it's ok, i refused to talk about it as it was forgotten.. i shall just take it as a passing remark..

it is an annoyance for me not to talk about it.. but when i talk about it, i am being annoying.. make up your freaking mind..

YOU GOT THE BLOODY CHEEK TO SAY THAT I GOT NO FRIENDS DUE TO BE ANNOYING LIKE THIS.. BUT WHAT YOU DIDN'T KNOW IS THAT I'M BEING ANNOYED AS MUCH AS YOU'RE ANNOYED, IDIOT.. YOU'RE THE REASON I'M BEING ANNOYED.. YOU'RE THE PLANNER YET YOU FORGOT ABOUT THE PLAN..

WHEN I TALKED TO YOU, TO TELL YOU WHAT THE PLAN WERE AND ALL, YOU REFUSED TO STOP, TURN AND LISTEN TO ME.. INSTEAD YOU IGNORED ME AND TOOK ANOTHER PATH HOME.. YOU PUSHED ME AWAY, MENTALLY..

I DO NOT TREAT MY FRIENDS THIS WAY.. THEY DID IT TO ME.. AND AT THE END OF THE DAY I'LL STILL BE AROUND..

YOU CHOSE YOUR PATH AND I'M TIRED OF STOPPING YOU OR ANY OF MY FRIENDS..

YOU WANT TO LEAVE.. GO AHEAD..

YOU WANT ME TO SHUT UP.. FINE I WILL..

YOU WANT TO SHUT YOURSELF.. SUIT YOURSELF..

GET THIS IN YOUR HEAD, MORK FA.. I DO NOT FORGET ABOUT PLANS OR OCCASIONS, SIDES I TAKE THEM VERY MUCH SERIOUS.. YOU'RE MESSING WITH THE WRONG MIND, ASSHOLE.. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT I HAVE NOT PLANNED ANYTHING ABOUT THE OUTING?? MORONIC-ASSHOLE SHIT..

I AM BEING ANNOYING BY THE MINUTE??? FINE, I SHALL TAKE MY LEAVE.. YOU'VE DECIDED FOR ME.. THANK YOU FOR THE MEMORIES..

i don't bear grudges, just memories..so chill..

i refused to see myself dependant on another soul for fun and life.. i'm blessed with my boring life.. a lil excitement is good but if it not there i'm not complaining no more..

i am annoyed by this.. you do not know me.. leave before i hurt you..

Sunday, 06 September 2009

deadly affections..

can be deadly sometimes..

when can affection for another be shown? when we're alone?

i hate it when i start showing love, care and concern towards another being.. it makes me feel as if i'm apart of the person's life and at times when i just slammed it to the face of whom i felt apart of, it hurts very badly.. i felt worst.. something stabbed me through the reflections.. as if i'm stabbing myself when i hurt the other..

as much as i try not to show my weakness (stress), my stomach will always give way..

I HAVE BEEN HAVING MY "LIPO" THERAPHY FOR THE PAST WEEK.. AND IT HURTS BADLY..

all in all, i have gone through it thrice.. i just do not like it..

recently, my numbness in me has gone abit haywire..it went 'seakk'.. it got to the point where i can't breathe.. and trust me.. i got really scared and panicked.. it's like the numbness got to my brain and i will have difficulty in breathing and seeing things clearly..

I NEARLY CRIED YESTERDAY.. it got to the point that i can't hold on any longer and was giving it up.. IT WAS TERRIFYING..

is it the food or is it my stomach??

ish.. i shall not think about it..

affections to oneself, is it enough??