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Thursday, 31 December 2009

I give up..

I think it's about time, I shut myself..

It's easy for both Gabby and Danny to say not to bother what others say.. Maybe it's easy for both of u but it has not and will NEVER be, at all, easy for me..

I've been controlling my hatred and anger from people, to which I still am, but I'm suffering inside.. This thing, you called hatred and anger, is eating me up every single day.. Now, whenever I'm to express myself, when I'm angry, I'll have a cardiac arrest..

Let's not talk about hatred or anger alone.. Even when I'm feeling anxiety or excited.. I'll have this cardiac arrest..

It's painful.. When I suffered, at that point, the people around me will question.. My colleagues were worried that I suddenly turned pale and grasping for air, as I grabbed my chest..

Yes Danny, u can say I'm dying (jokingly) but u have no idea what was running through my mind and body..

People do not seemed to see that I'm controlling my hatred or anger against others.. Yes, I too noted that whatever comes out from me, be it writing or talking, will be negative..

Yes I am, more often than not, negative.. Small things came up and I'll be stressed.. Though I'm originally a happy bunny, always hyper and crazy..

I usually won't bother my health, especially when I sick, coz I like to sweat it out and get better.. But recent cases shows that I need to start thinking about it.. Due to that, when I go out, my heart seems to be controlling my eyes and making me, lose my balance and fall to sleep.. Haiz, what is becoming of my health..

Maybe I'm too stress.. I need a break.. Another get away getaway perhaps..

People do not seem to see me.. I'm gone now..

2010, there's gonna be more pain and suffering, for me, I foresee..

Thank u for 2009, though my 2009 was lonesome, most of the time..

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Reading expression..

I hate it when I accidentally read others body language..

At times it can be good but more often than not, it's bad.. Imagine this, ur friend didn't tell u that he/she is not stable mentally like something is troubling him/her,yet u're busy talking about the fun times u had for the day.. Yes, he/she will listen and had fun listening to the fun story..

Suddenly, after all is done, u accidentally read his/her body language and somewhat read his/her mind.. Then u learnt that he/she has a problem which he/she wanted to bring up but refused to.. How would u feel?

I felt bad, I was not there.. At all.. I want to listen to my friends problems too, to be there for them.. Why am I not being there when I am there..

Now I missed the chance to understand my friend.. I am sorry if I didn't realise it sooner..

So stupid..

Monday, 21 December 2009

Commintment over interest

Today, I had a plan.. Bike licence and an outing.. Things change when I had stomach pain at last minute.. What I didn't know is that someone is angry at me for cancelling the practical as he said that I had lost my commitment.. Tried to explain to him but ended up being a fool of myself..

I was shut up, my interest on the bike licence is still on and there he says I've lost my commitment.. And as he was angry with me for having lost of commitment, he cancelled the outing with me, which we're to go after the bike licence..

I can't blame him for doing so, whatever he was blabbering about but he jolly well knows that he should have just give me a chance to explain.. By shutting me up, u are not listening.. I just agreed to make u shut..

I do not apologise jokingly.. Thus, I do not repeat my apologies twice.. I did and u refused to acknowledge so be it..

I shall not continue.. It ends here.. Shall not talk about it again.. U made me behave this way towards u.. Don't complain.. I was very much disappointed with u the moment I learnt that u're disappointed with me.. I asked for assistance, u refused to give a helping hand.. What can I do? It's ok..

We've each made up our mind.. Or u have decided for me.. Thanks..

Thursday, 03 December 2009

and so i thought...

things happened for a reason.. but reason being that the happenings happened because of me..

ish.. invitation that was not meant to be invited.. who cares.. i do actually but.. nvm i'll just keep in mind..

we always fight and have misunderstandings over money.. i hate this.. even so not involving money, it involved friends.. darned it, why can't we just talk instead of giving another person.. SILENT TREATMENT.. i tried to but ended up asking stupid questions and U HAVE TO BE SARCASTIC.. i usually endure ur sarcasm.. but that doesn't mean i don't feel the pinch..

i have done more than u did.. but did i complain? did i give u silent treatment??

NO!! instead i give and continued giving.. NEVER did i once complained that it was all me (mine) and not u (urs).. but why do u have to do this to me?? what did i do to get this CONSEQUENCES of urs??

we were ok, when we met.. u suddenly changed when i asked for a favor of S$20/-.. and when i asked u questions for the sake of conversing with u, u shut me up and started throwing sarcasing remarks..

i do not to be calculative.. and i will not.. but u kept pushing me..

i asked u for the bloody first time.. a S$20/-,to top-upmy drying Ezlink card (S$10/-) and another S$10/- for my food.. and u acted as it i asked for S$200/- or even S$2000/-..

i had given u, assistance, when u needed.. S$150/-, S$30/-.. i gave u and did i ever given u a SILENT treatment?? NO!! i continued to have fun.. i have spent alot on us..did i complained.. NEVER!!

so why must u??

i am so used to be the giver that i feel handicapped when i take, when i'm in need.. u asked urself.. more often than not, who usually gives and who usually accepts..

i pulled off from the project of urs, to settle my issues.. do u have a problem with that?? yes it's an HONOR.. but i.. nvm..

u glady cancelled and removed my name, so be it.. like i've said, it's my loss.. so why are u making a big fuss about it..

i do not want to argue.. u kept putting me to shame.. i have feelings too, if u have not noticed.. but i just can't afford to keep shut all the way, whenever u think i should..

ish.. i can't fight back for something that's not mine..

like i have apologised to u (which u did not acknowledge).. i.. i.. nvm..

Wednesday, 02 December 2009

i'm at my lowest..

today, i felt everything falls apart..

my mind kept switching on/off rather often now and i can't seem to concentrate..

1st.. i fell off my motorcycle earlier today, 4 times and i nearly lost my cool when i nearly, i mean really nearly, throw the motorcycle away.. i was pissed.. rather angry..on what i am not sure..

2nd.. i'm becoming my worst nightmare.. me, myself..

i have to say:-

i kinda like when others give me a treat and all.. but i felt at my worst when it seems that i'm taking advantage of the whole thing..

i felt as if i'm taking advantage of Danny, his money and time.. i should stop this at once and goes back to where i have turned overleaf..

before things escalates to hatred and irritance, i need to keep a distance.. not to meet when i'm broke.. not at all, to make plans..

i felt so embarassed when others sees him paying for me.. i felt as if i'm handicap..

i've decided that i will not be part of the Project Valentine 2010.. i have.. and i will not go back on my words or brag about it.. i am no longer Idil who can pose, wherever he is as long there's camera..

i've lost my touch.. i don't even know what to wear..it's all gone now..

Today, i am at my lowest peak.. totally disappointed in myself.. ish.. darned it..